Yoga Styles, According to YogaDawg
Oh YogaDawg, where have you been all my life?
I totally admire the genius in the Yoga Schools and Styles descriptions, copied, cut, and quoted below for your pleasure. But to get the full effect, you’ll have to check out Yogadawg’s domain itself.
The Nerds – … they will eventually pull out and consult their sacred yoga Bible, Right-On Yoga, written by their CYO (Chief Yogic Officer). The Nerds will try hard to figure out just what is needed to get you, their misbehaved sub-routine, to align and output properly.
They will use tape measures, slide rules, sextants, the Global Positioning System, and possibly even a measuring device that uses the decay level of cobalt-52 to measure the positions of the subnuclear particles lurking deep within your pose.
Right-on Yoga. (ha! As a self-described Asian person, I rove, rove this :)) And I’ll bring not just a GPS but also my mountaineering altimeter to my next Iyengar class, for sure. (And George Purvis thought he was peculiar!)
The Jocks – Finally, be aware that the Jocks will eventually try to test your loyalty and abilities by asking if you have ever been to Yourpain in India. Don’t acknowledge nor deny. As a new student, this is a dangerous area, so YogaDawg suggests remaining silent or at most, replying with an agitated grunt.
BONUS TIP: Don’t ever, ever go into child’s pose in a Jock yoga class. This will only summon their wrath. You will gain the admiration and respect of the Jocks by pushing yourself to the limit as you try to keep up with them. Bonus points are attainable if you push yourself beyond your abilities to the point of injury.
Yourpain, India, could this be a companion of Mysore, India, Ashtangis?
The Emos – In addition to the online dating service, the Emo ® school has a great online store. Here you will find The Heart ® meditation mat, The Heart ® collection of Yoga towels, The Heart ® yoga tote bag, The Heart ® eye bag and the Heart ® nonslip yoga mat kissed with a scent of pomegranate (known as the love fruit)…You can also order The Heart ® key chain, The Heart ® Buddha, and The Heart ® Heart. These also come in cardiac red with a heart motif on them.
You will find many books published through this school from the Heart ® Press. A sampling of titles are: Unlock your Heart, The Open Heart, The Friendly Heart, Getting more out of your Heart, Pimping your Heart, A Path to the Heart, The Clogged Heart, Avoiding Heart Breaks, Don’t leave your Heart in San Francisco, and No more Heartburn.
Teehee. Hmmm… what other yoga style could make a heart ache with so much heart-to-heart talk? Could it start with an A and end with nusara? (Maybe, just maybe.)
The Crombies – … the Crombie school of yoga has managed to blend all of the things America loves most: a limited set of yoga poses for the attention deficient yogi, sex scandals, copyright litigation, along with hot, sweaty, and half naked bims and bimbos in tropical heat.
Combine this with a swarmy, smelly studio led by a loudmouth, swaggering yoga star swinging a big dick with a couple of radioactive balls and you have a winning formula for yogic success in America.
The beauty of the Crombie school is that there is no need for intelligence, curiosity, or inquiry. Simply turn up the heat, shake, and bake. Place on the center rack at 108 degrees and turn every 5 minutes. With only 26 poses in its feeble copyrighted sequence, there is no need to worry about progressing. Just strap on your Speedo or sports bra with matching spandex shorts and get ready to sweat, slip, and slide to Crombie perfection.
Radioactive balls – oh, the visual, my eyes! As if the image of Bikram bouncing around (err.. pun intended) in his leopard-print speedos wasn’t enough.
The Hippies – At some point, from the crown of their skulls you might see a serpent peering out at you. The teacher might be wearing a turban or maybe a Fez. On occasion, you will see a Yogi wearing a head band with peace symbols on it. They might also be wearing Turkish garb and occasionally speak in transcended rapture while repeating the mantra, “Groovy,” or “I was at Woodstock.”
If you happen to wander into certain Hippie studios, you may find the teacher wearing hot pants and a halter top. The Hippie school is trying to modernize their image.
Or, you might see the teacher wearing boy shorts underwear suitable for inducing erectile response in addition to Kundalini awakening? 😉 Just sayin’!
The Zombies – The Zombie school of Yoga is quite convenient because they have studios located in most of the strip malls across America. While you are buying your morning latte or a burger with fries, you can also sign up for a yoga class without having to leave the comfort of your favorite shopping area.
Some of the advanced training in the Zombie school will teach you to breathe through your brain, extract hemorrhoids with your mind, and explain abnormal credit card purchases to your spouse.
Strip malls. Zombies. Daaaaahn. Braaaaaains. (Is Dahn Yoga just one Tom Cruise away from having its own South Park episode?)
Anyway, thank you, YogaDawg, for your keen sense of humor and light-on descriptions (ha!) I’m looking forward to your future installments of deciphering the world of yoga, one style at a time :).
“Laughter is the language of the Gods.”
— Buddhist saying