Category Archives: Inspiration

An Open Letter of Grace

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One of my favorite authors, Bill Bryson, once wrote:

Welcome. And congratulations. I am delighted that you could make it. Getting here wasn’t easy, I know. In fact, I suspect it was a little tougher than you realize.

…

To be here now; alive in the twenty-first century and smart enough to know it, you also had to be the beneficiary of an extraordinary string of biological good fortune. Survival on Earth is a surprisingly tricky business. Of the billions and billions of species of living thing that have existed since the dawn of time, most—99.99 percent—are no longer around.

…

The average species on Earth lasts for only about four million years, so if you wish to be around for billions of years, you must be as fickle as the atoms that made you. You must be prepared to change everything about yourself—shape, size, color, species affiliation, everything—and to do so repeatedly… The tiniest deviation from any of these evolutionary shifts, and you might now be licking algae from cave walls or lolling walruslike on some stony shore or disgorging air through a blowhole in the top of your head before diving sixty feet for a mouthful of delicious sandworms.

Not only have you been lucky enough to be attached since time immemorial to a favored evolutionary line, but you have also been extremely—make that miraculously—fortunate in your personal ancestry. Consider the fact that for 3.8 billion years, a period of time older than the Earth’s mountains and rivers and oceans, every one of your forebears on both sides has been attractive enough to find a mate, healthy enough to reproduce, and sufficiently blessed by fate and circumstances to live long enough to do so.

Not one of your pertinent ancestors was squashed, devoured, drowned, starved, stranded, stuck fast, untimely wounded, or otherwise deflected from its life’s quest of delivering a tiny charge of genetic material to the right partner at the right moment in order to perpetuate the only possible sequence of hereditary combinations that could result—eventually, astoundindly, and all too briefly—in you. – Introduction, A Short History of Nearly Everything

After reading that, I usually laugh at the image of myself licking algae, and often get quite emotional and teary-eyed. It’s similar to that feeling that you get when you’re out in the middle of nowhere, you look up, and there’s the whole entire Milky Way spread out above. You feel so small yet so big, and you just marvel at the wonder of it all, and the fact that you are alive and that you can see this incredible sight.

In that spirit, this post is an expression of gratitude.

If you were to look at things from a certain perspective, it has been a very tough year for me personally. (I know most people don’t start counting a new year until January 1st, but for me, the new year occurs in November, my birth month.) I’ve gone through lay-offs, rejections, financial losses, physical injuries, family issues. After having lived on my own for so long, I moved back home, waving goodbye to my dear apartment and the carefree, blithe, “single girl in the city” lifestyle.

In theory, I should have slipped into some sort of depression, or at least periods of low self esteem and pity, given everything that happened, and given that I had been well conditioned to being on the other side of the fence: straight A student in high school, Dean’s list in college, groomed to be in a leadership, fast-track career path, etc.

Yet, for some strange reason, the opposite thing took place. I have been living rather, ecstatically, running around and loving, marveling at life like a goldfish who’s seeing everything for the first time, over and over again.

“Are you okay?”, friends would ask out of concern that I haven’t found a “jobby job”, and I would say, “Oh god, yes! I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom, and there was toilet paper! And a toilet that flushed! I went to turn on the shower and there was hot water! Isn’t that incredible? I’m *more* than okay. I’m like, so lucky to have what I have!” “Um, okay, really now, are you okay?”

I am okay, I am very okay, and I have to say, that I owe a lot of it to yoga.

Now, I know that I may sometimes come across as a bit irreverent, skeptical, cynical, a little disrespectful, even, of “this whole yoga thing”. I know that sometimes it seems like I’m not quite sold on any spiritual context of modern yoga. But, let me say it here and say it now, I am a staunch believer in the transformative and healing power of yoga, for which I could not be more grateful. (And besides, in my humble opinion, doubt is an integral part of a healthy belief.)

Before we go on, I want to emphasize that yoga did not, does not, and will not remove or eradicate any of life’s oopsies and resulting ouchies. It also does not make you numb to life’s realities and ignore your responsibilities. It can, however, help you live more fully in the moment, which is something that all those smart people, living and dead, have been urging us to do since the beginning of time.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before”

A little over a year ago, when I started my teacher training at Pacific Yoga in Seattle, little did I know that beyond getting bendy, I was going to be equipped with something akin to a flashlight for the dark and rugged sections of the hike. The flashlight may not tell me where to go and how to get there, but it surely helps me get a good sense of where I’m at, and what’s happening right now.

Right now, I have a father who’s almost 70, in good health, and driving my mom crazy with his landscaping projects. I have a mother who constantly tries to convince me that I need to eat more (of her food, of course), and who will come nudge me every night to set her up in a Restorative yoga pose. I have a brother who’s also my best friend and occasional drinking buddy, and who will come to me when our parents start to drive him crazy.

Right now, I have a boyfriend who is supportive of my dedication to yoga, even though he cannot possibly fathom why anyone would voluntarily go without the Internet for 10 days, and how on earth did I not talk during “Meditation Camp” (it was a Vipassana 10-day silent retreat).

Right now, I have my health. Today, all my cells have agreed to continue to be me.

Right now, I have been transmitted the teaching of yoga, and I have taken on the responsibility of giving it away in the role of a yoga teacher. These are the two things that I will never take for granted.

I think teaching is the most sacred, the most important thing in life. The subject doesn’t matter—yoga, bicycling, whatever —because it is not what you do that is important, but what you awaken in the other person. – Dona Holleman, from Yoga Journal September/October 1982

It is Wednesday, November 25th, 2009. In the context of yoga, I want to send out an enormous amount of gratitude from the bottom of my heart to all my teachers, mentors, peers, and students (who also teach me much more than they realize). I want to thank you, my readers, whomever you are, for coming by and getting to know me “mo’ betta’” virtually.

And of course, since yoga isn’t separate from my life, and my life isn’t separate from yoga, gracious thanks, too, to my awesome family and friends, old and new, near and far. You may not know it, but you help me practice my yoga, and you help me, you know, keepin’ it real. And I’d like to thank the Academy… oh wait, wrong speech.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude, I has it.

Gratitude, I has it.

Yoga, or Transformation

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Lately, it seems like the whole world is going stir-crazy on the commercialization of yoga, or debating what it is and what it’s not, and if it’s lost its soul. I have taken refuge in going back in time, as far as possible, and for some reason found some solace in reading what people who have come before us–people who probably didn’t even practice yoga (as we know it), or consider themselves yogis–have to say about this nebulous thing called yoga.

These are the first and last sentences of Yoga, or, Transformation - a comparative statement of the various religious dogmas concerning the soul and its destiny, and of Akkadian, Hindu, Taoist, Egyptian, Hebrew, Greek, Christian, Mohammedan, Japanese and other magic, by William J. Flagg. Published in 1898 in New York.

An enquiry such as this book attempts, into the nature and destiny of the soul of man, must needs begin with at least a brief review of the theories respecting it which have been offered by the various great religions of the world, of which the oldest of all, so old that it may truly be called the mother of the others, is yet so new also that we now most commonly know it by the name of “modern spiritualism.”

Thus the possibility of improving method by simply intensifying sensation to a degree from which the practicer’s attention will not be able to escape, and where perfect and absolute concentration will be assured, is great enough to permit the conjecture that by this way of the senses alone yoga methods may at some age in the future attain such perfection that all will be allured to practice them, and that too in the thorough way that has heretofore distinguished only two or three in a century of even the thorough-going Hindu sages, and the whole race of man become yogis.

Can you imagine Mr. Flagg telling his friends the title of the book he’s working on, and the reaction he gets? And how beautiful is this writing by Lord Tennyson, that Mr. Flagg put it in on his cover page:

This has often come upon me through repeating my own name to myself silently till, all at once, as it were, out of the intensity of the consiousness of individuality, the individuality itself seemed to dissolve and fade away into boundless being, and this not a confused state, but the clearest of the clearest, the surest of the surest, utterly beyond words, where death was almost a laughable impossibility, the loss of personality (if so it were) seeming no extinction, but the only true life.

Apparently you can still buy a copy of this book from Amazon, or, you can read it for free on Google Books.

Why I Teach Yoga

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(I wrote about this in February in a different blog. It was true then, and it’s still true now, so I’ll write about it again :) )

I’ve been doing some research on Seattle yoga studios and as a result been reading a lot of yoga instructor biographies. More often than not, there would be a story on why that person came to yoga: to mend an injury, to find peace, to de-stress, to connect to the Universe, etc.

I don’t have any similarly great reason. I’m often confronted with questions such as, “Why do you do so much yoga?”, and “Why do you want to be a yoga teacher?”, or “How did you get into yoga?”

The real honest answer is, “I don’t know”. I really don’t know. I didn’t have any ground-shaking reason to start yoga. I didn’t have any grandiose “save-the-world-now” reason to want to teach yoga. I can certainly help someone find their sacrum, but I hesitate to proclaim that I can help anyone awaken to their Truth and find Eternal Bliss.

When I think about all the jobs I’ve ever had, I could readily walk away from every single one of them the moment I hit a lottery jackpot. But with teaching yoga, I feel like could do it for the rest of my life. I don’t even necessarily expect to make any money from it.

This sense of conviction actually scares me when I think too much about it, because how could anyone really know that they want to do anything *for the rest of their life*? It’s an immense commitment. (And yes, I may have some commitment issues, but let’s not go there right now :) )

All I know is, I feel most myself when I “do” yoga. That’s all there is to that.

This fact used to bother me a little bit, “But, don’t I need a fancy schmancy awe-inspiring story to tell the world?”, I’d think to myself. After all, if someone asked why I teach yoga, “I dunno” just doesn’t seem to inspire confidence, does it?

One fine day, I came across The Ultimate Anti-Career Guide: The Inner Path to Finding Your Work in the World by Rick Jarow, where he quoted Martha Graham:

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.

No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
- Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille

Thanks to Martha, and Rick, I will say this: I do/teach yoga as a response to the direct urges that motivate me.

Oh How The Years Go By

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This past weekend I was at the Yoga & Pilates Conference in Vancouver, British Columbia. While I wandered around the Exhibition hall checking out the vendors, there were free yoga classes every half hour in the middle of the giant show room at the Vancouver Convention Center.

I was talking to yoga teacher I just met, Rebecca Kray at the Semperviva Yoga booth, and she kept looking at the yoga stage. It was for a good reason, Doug Swenson was doing a yoga demo, showing impeccable form in poses that require a high degree of strength and flexibility. (I later randomly bumped into him, and he told me he was supposed to lead a class, but something went awry with the microphone, so he improvised).

The whole conference show became quieter. Most people were in awe watching Doug seamlessly transition from one arm balance to another. I, too, stood still and watched. And then something hit me: I wasn’t very impressed.

Whoa there, Nikki, what do you mean, “not impressed”? (Um, hi Doug :) ).

Let me elaborate. I was indeed truly impressed with Doug’s mastery of the yoga poses and their sequences. As an asana practitioner, I know all the hard work that he must have put in, over the years and decades of dedicated practice, to be able to spontaneously do a demo like that. I admired the physical artistry and the gorgeous way his body moved, similar to the way I admire gymnasts and Cirque du Soleil performers: with jaw-dropping awe.

However, as I stood there watching Doug and then looking around, I wondered how many people in the audience were equating this to yoga. It reminded me of one particular class during my 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training when we were asked to bring in a picture related to yoga that inspired us. I brought in an advertisement from Lululemon (yes, those of you who just met me or heard my rant on “all that glitter is not gold” yoga clothes might be shocked, shocked, shocked :) ).

The ad featured an unnamed male yogi doing incredible yoga poses, which inspired me, most likely because I wanted to be able to do them (but I think publicly I said they were inspiring for exhibiting strength and determination and humility and all those you know, more noble reasons.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m *still* inspired by those poses. I’m *still* working on my biceps lifting up and my chest and shoulders opening for Pincha Mayurasana. Those who talk to me about yoga know that I can’t stop yapping about anatomy and the mechanics of a yoga pose. Yes, the physical aspect of yoga is still very much part of my practice (for at least one reason).

And yet, as I reflected on how much my perspective has shifted, from the days of trying to imitate Richard Freeman doing the Primary and Intermediate series and wanting to look like people in Lululemon ads to now, I’m actually amazed at how far I’ve come. I watched Doug with all the appreciation of seeing a master yogi in action without any comparison to my own practice, without judging if I can or can’t do certain thing, and without wondering when I’ll be able to do what he can.

So really, what I should have said is not that I wasn’t impressed, it’s that I realized this was only a piece of the pie, a perspective that I didn’t have the maturity to understand not too long ago.

Okay, cheesiness alert here, matey, but I have to do it. I’ve got to say that the feeling is that of lightness, and … ahem, yes, a glimpse of an incredible sense of freedom.

This is the ad I brought to my yoga teacher training, once upon a time, as "inspiration"

This is the ad I brought to my yoga teacher training, once upon a time, as "inspiration"

Impermanence, Avenue Q Style

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Coming back from my 10-day Vipassana course, as I do the sittings on my own, I keep hearing Goenkaji saying… “Anicca, anicca, anicca… Changing, changing, changing.”

I’ve always loved Avenue Q, and think this song is the perfect embodiment of Impermanence in pop culture.

“Each time you smile / It’ll only last a while… Life may be scary / But it’s only temporary.”

Judith Lasater’s Experiential Anatomy Teacher Training

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I’m back from a week of immersing myself in yoga, anatomy, and the wild open sky of Montana at Feathered Pipe Ranch.

I’ve updated the outline of the topics we discussed on the Yoga Conferences and Workshop page. I’ll keep updating the blog with the information I learned, little by little, because the training was packed with information and wisdom, stories, beautiful memories, and most of all laughter.

I was so stoked to see Judith again, of course, I was also so glad to have met so many awesome people. It was a rather small group, so it was easier to talk to everybody.

At night, I laid out on the front lawn and watched the stars twinkle above. I caught the Perseid meteor shower on two nights, and I keep thinking how some people in our lives are like shooting stars. They come as fast as they leave, but the impression they leave changes us forever.

Big shoutouts to some teachers with web sites here: Harriet Alterowitz, Cora Wen, Hannah Callaway, Andrea Peloso.

featheredpiperanch

The main lodge of Feathered Pipe Ranch, seen from across the lake

Today and Tomorrow

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During check-in time at my 500-hr training this weekend, there’s a general consensus that we are all really busy. “Call me in September”, someone said, and the class nodded in agreement.

I have been in massive planning mode, and for sure can feel the pressure of “more faster”. It was perfect timing when I came across this quote by Alan Watts.

“But tomorrow and plans for tomorrow can have no significance at all unless you are in full contact with the reality of the present, since it is in the present and only in the present that you live. There is no other reality than present reality, so that, even if one were to live for endless ages, to live for the future would be to miss the point everlastingly.
…
If happiness always depends on something expected in the future, we are chasing a will-o’-the-wisp that ever eludes our grasp, until the future, and ourselves, vanish into the abyss of death.”

Alan Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity

I’m Working On A Dream

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I have the softest spot for  inspiring stories of people overcoming all odds. You’ll find me standing in front of a newstand with tears streaming down my cheeks at an image of two brothers hugging for the first time after 40 years of separation by the North and the South Korean border, for example. 

I’ve had a couple of good cries recently: watching The World’s Fastest Indian,  listening to Tavis Smiley interviewing Kennyi Aouad, a 13-year-old boy from Indiana, and hearing a story about young Iraqi women experiencing US women’s basketball.

You’re Gonna Go Far Kid

The World’s Fastest Indian is a movie based on the real story of Burt Munro, a speed afficianado from New Zealand, who just saved up enough money to travel all the way to Utah to set a land speed record on his motorcycle, even though only a few people believed in his 25-year-old dream.

Kennyi Aouad is a top speller in the Spelling Bee competition. What’s amazing is he didn’t speak much until he was 5, and he was in speech therapy until third grade. Language didn’t come natural to him, and he struggled with it. On the Tavis Smiley show, he gave thanks to his teachers and patient speech therapists who didn’t give up on him. When asked about his dreams, he said he wanted to be a scientist to work to help cure diseases like HIV and autism.

The other story is about an organization called Sports4Peace, which sponsored ten teenagers from Sulaymaniya, a town in northern Iraq, and fulfilled their dreams to see US women’s basketball. I felt a tug in my heart when I heard about how these girls dream of playing basketball and going to school.

Now the Cards I’ve Drawn’s a Rough Hand

My current journey as a yoga student and teacher has certainly been met with skepticism and criticism, and I’ve had moments of wondering. Momentary doubts, however, are often replaced with a much stronger urge to learn more and reach out more, to completely give myself to this life’s work of educating myself, and in turn, giving it back. 

This post goes out to everybody working on their dreams.

I’m working on a dream
Though sometimes it feels so far away
I’m working on a dream
…

Well our love will chase trouble away 

- Bruce Springsteen

 

Weight-loss surgeon finds another way to help people as a yoga instructor

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So reads the headline of the Seattle Times article about James Weber, a surgeon who, after three decades as a surgeon, decided to become a yoga teacher. 

“Consider it a quality-of-life move”, the article says.

My friend Thais has been telling me about a surgeon-turned-yoga-teacher at  Sound Mind and Body, a gym in Fremont. Last night, while doing some Google sleuthing on yoga studios around town, I came across his story in print.

Dr. Weber’s story reminds me of my Anatomy teacher, Dr. Paul Bubak, a retired surgeon who came to yoga at a later age, who’s now also reaping the benefits of this practice. It is never too late.

What strikes me is what Dr. Weber said, “I feel I belong in yoga, and that, as I look back, I had sort of made myself belong in surgery.” This has really make me reflect on all the occasions that I’ve made myself belong somewhere, doing something. I would sometimes look back thinking, “What a waste that was”, and then a while longer, reflecting again to find some value in them.

And so, congrats to Dr. Weber for his quality-of-life change, and I’m sure his students will benefit a lot from his professional and personal experience.

Always Love

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Nada Surf – Always Love

Today, in his speech in Cairo, President Barack Obama sent out a message of respect and peace among all of us, and especially among people that have fought with one another too long.

On tonight’s Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show, I saw snippets of the reaction from the Fox News pundits, and got pretty upset. The final draw was when a woman said, “They hate us, why are we talking to them?” I quite honestly wanted to punch something.

Whenever this desire comes up, I let it swirl around me a little bit, to see what hate feels like. I could, in a way, identify with these people. We are all caught  in this dark and volative emotion that produces our knee-jerk responses. Our sufferings come from that root of all kleshas: ignorance of self-awareness.

Then, if I can help it, I put on Nada Surf’s Always Love. My favorite lines are:

Always love, hate will get you every time…
Always love, don’t wait till the finish line…
Always love, even when you want to fight…

…I want to know what it’d be like to
Aim so high above
any card that you’ve been dealt…